And it smells like the Bargain Basement in a Norwegian fish market here at the Asian XP Games, where the cheapest slappers in the Eastern hemisphere are lining up to degrade themselves for our entertainment! This disgraceful oddity, written pseudonemously by The Hound, and directed by someone who calls himself Jastero, apparently celebrates the ancient Asian art of Ku-chi (hmmm – right!) – that is using the vaginal muscles for something much more productive than mere sex and childbirth, choosing instead to compete in a variety of well-respected sporting events: Divine Wind And Fire (putting out candles), Jade Rings (an interesting way of using chopsticks…), Scorpians (sic) Sting (firing darts at balloons), Flying Fruit (like the high-jump but with bananas) and Dragon Shot (shot-putt), plus a bonus just-for-fun round, Ling Golf Ball Invitational (playing golf with… you get the idea!). Looks like we’re in for some really classy material here, folks!
The games are narrated by none other than 1998 XP champion Mika Tan (who?), and pussy expert Chip Phister (nice name! Sadly his real name is Benjamin Banks. What a pity!), who turn the air blue with a torrent of innuendo about pussies, cracks, holes and lips – and then some! – which inevitably makes my life a helluva lot more difficult as I really have to really plumb the depths of my dirty little mind looking for new ways to say “cunt”! I mean, these bastards even pinched my term “minge-singe”, which I have been using on and off for around ten years! It’s mine! However vulgar though, this is what I call REAL comedy no matter how repetitive it can be, and the laughs don’t stop here. The games are allegedly sponsored by, amongst others, FukTuk Limousines, Vagia Bottled Water and Winganaprayer Airlines. The audience, painted onto a sheet hanging from the wall, includes Napoleon and Adolf Hitler amongst its patrons, and the winner’s national anthem is played (very badly, I feel ) by a particularly crude “wind section”.
And it’s the comedy that really makes this depraved show. It’s hardly a turn-on, and these girls are by no means oil paintings (sadly, the gorgeous Mika Tan feels she’s too good to take her clothes off for perverts like us), and as far as classy-chicks go, these are more Razzle than Playboy – spots and bruises on all the wrong places, and the winner even wears a horrid pair of dirty socks. Disgusting!, especially as hygiene is of utmost importance here – assistants handling the sporting equipment all have carrier bags wrapped around their hands.
Lamentably, XP is a prime example of what I would call “conservative subversiveness” – that is so-called free-thinking that still retains old-fashioned reactionary, conservative views – it seems to happen a lot in America, especially during the War On Terror The movie is littered with references to both Saddam Hussein and Osama Bin Laden -–they are seen sitting in the audience, dancing with each other and eventually peppered with a machine-gun barrage of pussy darts. A minor annoyance, true, and it’s also all in good fun, but it’s still a little unsettling, and also a little sad, for porno-flicks to pander to the whims of the very people who’d like to them banned.