HOME |  CULT MOVIES | COMPETITIONS | ADVERTISE |  CONTACT US |  ABOUT US
 
 
Newest Reviews
Equalizer 2, The
1985
Mowgli
Ski School
Ant-Man and the Wasp
Age of Shadows, The
Mission: Impossible - Fallout
Othello
First Reformed
Red White and Zero
Death Wish
Cry Wilderness
Heiresses, The
Millhouse: A White Comedy
Skyscraper
Born of Fire
Teen Titans Go! To the Movies
Lucia
Yanks
Sweet November
Ballad of Buster Scruggs, The
Real Men
Shoplifters
Redeemer
Incredibles 2
Big House, The
Night Eats the World, The
War Bus
Back to Berlin
Leave No Trace
   
 
Newest Articles
A Name to Conjure With: David Nixon's Magic Box on DVD
Which 1950s Sci-Fi was Scariest? Invaders from Mars vs The Blob
The Empire Strikes Back: Khartoum vs Carry On Up the Khyber
Stan and Ollie's Final Folly: Atoll K on Blu-ray
The Big Grapple: Escape from New York and Its Influence
The Conquest of Everett: The Kenny Everett Video Show on DVD
Bout for the Count: Hammer's Dracula in the 1970s
Nopes from a Small Island: Mistreatment of American Stars in British Films
You Know, For Kids: Children's Film Foundation Bumper Box
If He Were a Carpenter and It Was the 80s: The Fog, Prince of Darkness and They Live
Tee-Hee, It's 80s Sci-Fi Horror: Night of the Comet, The Stuff and Night of the Creeps
Chance of a Ghost: The Uninvited and The Ghost and Mrs. Muir
3 Simian Slashers: Phenomena, Link and Monkey Shines
When is a Jackie Chan Movie Not a Jackie Chan Movie? Armour of God and City Hunter
Anytime Anywhere: The Complete Goodies at the BBC Episode Guide Part 2
   
 
  Asian XP Games Here's one in your eye!Buy this film here.
Year: 2003
Director: Jastero
Stars: Mika Tan, Benjamin Banks, Lipenh, Danaeua, Baen, Dyami, Dung, Yong-Suk, Linmei
Genre: Sex, Documentary, Trash
Rating:  7 (from 3 votes)
Review: And it smells like the Bargain Basement in a Norwegian fish market here at the Asian XP Games, where the cheapest slappers in the Eastern hemisphere are lining up to degrade themselves for our entertainment! This disgraceful oddity, written pseudonemously by The Hound, and directed by someone who calls himself Jastero, apparently celebrates the ancient Asian art of Ku-chi (hmmm – right!) – that is using the vaginal muscles for something much more productive than mere sex and childbirth, choosing instead to compete in a variety of well-respected sporting events: Divine Wind And Fire (putting out candles), Jade Rings (an interesting way of using chopsticks…), Scorpians (sic) Sting (firing darts at balloons), Flying Fruit (like the high-jump but with bananas) and Dragon Shot (shot-putt), plus a bonus just-for-fun round, Ling Golf Ball Invitational (playing golf with… you get the idea!). Looks like we’re in for some really classy material here, folks!

The games are narrated by none other than 1998 XP champion Mika Tan (who?), and pussy expert Chip Phister (nice name! Sadly his real name is Benjamin Banks. What a pity!), who turn the air blue with a torrent of innuendo about pussies, cracks, holes and lips – and then some! – which inevitably makes my life a helluva lot more difficult as I really have to really plumb the depths of my dirty little mind looking for new ways to say “cunt”! I mean, these bastards even pinched my term “minge-singe”, which I have been using on and off for around ten years! It’s mine! However vulgar though, this is what I call REAL comedy no matter how repetitive it can be, and the laughs don’t stop here. The games are allegedly sponsored by, amongst others, FukTuk Limousines, Vagia Bottled Water and Winganaprayer Airlines. The audience, painted onto a sheet hanging from the wall, includes Napoleon and Adolf Hitler amongst its patrons, and the winner’s national anthem is played (very badly, I feel ) by a particularly crude “wind section”.

And it’s the comedy that really makes this depraved show. It’s hardly a turn-on, and these girls are by no means oil paintings (sadly, the gorgeous Mika Tan feels she’s too good to take her clothes off for perverts like us), and as far as classy-chicks go, these are more Razzle than Playboy – spots and bruises on all the wrong places, and the winner even wears a horrid pair of dirty socks. Disgusting!, especially as hygiene is of utmost importance here – assistants handling the sporting equipment all have carrier bags wrapped around their hands.

Lamentably, XP is a prime example of what I would call “conservative subversiveness” – that is so-called free-thinking that still retains old-fashioned reactionary, conservative views – it seems to happen a lot in America, especially during the War On Terror The movie is littered with references to both Saddam Hussein and Osama Bin Laden -–they are seen sitting in the audience, dancing with each other and eventually peppered with a machine-gun barrage of pussy darts. A minor annoyance, true, and it’s also all in good fun, but it’s still a little unsettling, and also a little sad, for porno-flicks to pander to the whims of the very people who’d like to them banned.

I wonder if Ku-Chi really is based on some ancient, Oriental erotic art. The Scorpians Sting event is almost exactly the same as a similar sequence in Takashi Miike’s Fudoh – then again, that film could easily have been a catalyst for this entire gallery of perversion. Fudoh’s shooting-from-the-clit scenes weighed heavily on my mind for quite a while, I can tell you! It’s hard to sum up XP – it is terrible, but it’s also grotesquely fascinating; you won’t be able to resist whipping it out in front of your drunken mates! In fact, you’ll probably be “chuff”-ed (© Bobby Davro, 1986) to bits!
Reviewer: Wayne Southworth

 

This review has been viewed 50932 time(s).

As a member you could Rate this film

 
Review Comments (0)


Untitled 1

Login
  Username:
 
  Password:
 
   
 
Forgotten your details? Enter email address in Username box and click Reminder. Your details will be emailed to you.
   

Latest Poll
Which star do you think makes the best coffee?
Emma Stone
Anna Kendrick
Michelle Rodriguez
Sir Patrick Stewart
   
 
   

Recent Visitors
Stately Wayne Manor
Graeme Clark
George White
Paul Smith
Andrew Pragasam
Darren Jones
Aseels Almasi
Rashed Ali
   

 

Last Updated: