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Ilsa Meets John Holmes On Gilligan's Island

  A staple of smut-flicks is the porno-isation of mainstream hits, Edward Penishands being possibly the most infamous. Vast majority are total dross with titles such as Load Warrior and Nightmare on Dyke Street making promises the final productions don’t keep- although at times it would have been nice if the makers had at least tried. There have been exceptions such as Plan 69 From Outer Space but these are few and far between. As I recently discovered, Wood’s slice of dreck is not the only psychotronic classic to receive such treatment…

Prisoner of Paradise Enter Gail Palmer's Prisoner Of Paradise, last sighted under the title Nassau. Human hose the Holmester is ship-wrecked and stranded on a desert island during World War 2. On the island is a German/Japanese concentration run by a daffy kraut and his two henchwomen; Ilsa and Greta! Yes folks, it's the 1980 porno version of Ilsa, She-Wolf of the SS.

Proceedings open with Holmes washed ashore on the Desert Island. Sitting on the sand, a permanently wistful look on his mug he remembers leave spent in the arms of Sue (Miki Moto) his gal. Typical Palmer fare here with Sue receiving all of the attention and Holmes dispensing internally rather than the standard whip out and blurt! Sue dies in an air raid leaving Holmes her Buddha good luck charm.

Prisoner of Paradise Back on the island, plenty of time is spent showing Holmes scaling trees to cut down coconuts, fishing and taking waterfall showers. Eventually he wanders further afield and spies on two blondes, bathing. Dog tags in mouth to prevent jangling he follows them back to their camp. They are Greta (Seka) and Ilsa (Sue Carol), who, under the orders of nutzoid kommandent Heinz and with the help of a solitary Japanese guard (Suki played by Suzie Wong) carry out diabolical acts of sexual torture on two Yank prisoners Carol (Nikki Anderson) and Gloria (Brenda Vargo).

Prisoner of Paradise Peering through the kommandents hut window Holmes sees the Nazis torturing Carol. This is achieved by Ilsa jabbing her tongue into Carol’s snake pit whilst demanding that she admits to loving der Fuhrer. She doesn't crack under the punishment and the Kraut gives her ass a serious whipping- off-screen. At this point, Ilsa and Greta are (un)dressed in sandy Harem Keeper of the Oil Sheiks uniforms, the walls are plastered with photos of Hitler and a gramophone plays Flight of the Valkyries and other suitably Teutonic opera.

Determined to rescue the two, Holmes starts a diversionary fire and in the confusion scarpers. They don't get far and soon they are interrogated by Heinz who upon sight of Holmester's weapon demands that he bones Ilsa whilst Greta diddles herself with a luger handle. Ilsa barks "Don't you cum on me you American swine". They are sent back to their cell, pending Heinz’s next brain-wave.

Prisoner of ParadiseSmashed on mint schnapps Heinz decides on a bit of sport between Holmes and Gloria which once again is more laughable than hair-raisingly sadistic. Returned to their hut, guard Suki starts making cow-eyes at Holmes. Using memories of Wong as a stimulant (‘cos, hey ultra-sensitive Miss Palmer, they all look the same), Holmes rises to the occasion and frees himself in the progress. Greta brings back Gloria and tenderly kisses her goodnight, enraging Ilsa who twats her one. In the confusion Holmes grabs a machine-gun. "Stop you kraut bitch or I’ll blow your head off!" Bullet-riddled Ilsa collapses into the arms of the sozzled Heinz who has started a fire. Greta dashes in and the three perish in the flames.

The film ends with the statement "March 2nd, 1946. South Pacific. Three years after the end of WW2, one American soldier, two Army nurses and five children were rescued from a remote South Pacific Island near the Philippines. No further details are available at this time."

Prisoner of ParadiseThis film really had the potential to shove it's engorged, dripping lens in the places where Ilsa feared to go, but ultimately is a pale imitation of the genuine article. Because of this film's refusal to go for it, it's a watered down of what you personally imagined from watching the original.

Despite my fondness for her furry mons, Seka is a poor substitute for Dyanne Thorne, with her willingness to get explicit far from compensating for Dyanne's larger than life persona. Performances of the entire cast, save Holmes, are wooden and vapid. I'm not sure if their performances are poor attempts at sadisism personified or poor attempts at going ludicrously over the top- they fall between the two. Palmer's direction is assured and intelligent, the sex scenes whilst still presented purely for titillation, are given a context and a motive, rather than the anticipated "we're prisoners facing death - hey let's have some sex"

Prisoner of ParadiseThe film is more comfortable detailing Holmes getting to grip with the island, and as soon as the cartoon nazi's are introduced it rapidly goes downhill. Without having to plumb the depths of depravity this film could have been so much better and is truly a missed opportunity.

I’m afraid I'll have to carry on hoping for some vault-imprisoned print of Ilsa with hardcore inserts.

As a footnote I’ve recently received a Yank video catalogue offering a 1994 production Ilsa, Queen of the Nazi Love Camp described as "an all-singing, all-dancing, musical comedy stage-play based on the Ilsa movies". The end of Western civilisation can't be far away.
Author: Justin Bomba

 

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