HOME |  CULT MOVIES | COMPETITIONS | ADVERTISE |  CONTACT US |  ABOUT US
 
 
Newest Reviews
Onward
Doctor Faustus
Spite Marriage
Mask, The
Letter to Jane
Quick Millions
Dream Demon
Max Havelaar
Radioactive
Glastonbury Fayre
All Dogs Go to Heaven
Shoot Out
Da 5 Bloods
Sonatine
Kung Fu Monster
Secret Agent Super Dragon
Saint Frances
Boiling Point
Golden Stallion, The
Dragon Force
Anthropocene: The Human Epoch
Luck of Ginger Coffey, The
Junkers Come Here
Ladius
White, White Day, A
Strong Medicine
Bitter Springs
Centipede Horror
Physical Evidence
Fanny Lye Deliver'd
55 Days at Peking
Alive
Man from Snowy River, The
Inmate #1: The Rise of Danny Trejo
Girl with the Bracelet, The
Monster from a Prehistoric Planet
School Spirits
True History of the Kelly Gang
We All Loved Each Other So Much
Within Our Gates
   
 
Newest Articles
Bat-Damn: Was Joel Schumacher's Batman Really That Bad?
The Beat Goes On: Takeshi Kitano Collection on Blu-ray
Dream Treats: Scorsese Shorts on Blu-ray
It's Only Money: Laughter in Paradise on Blu-ray
A Regular Terpsichore: Dance, Girl, Dance on Blu-ray
Teenage Trauma: Baby Love on Blu-ray
The Happening: Pet Shop Boys It Couldn't Happen Here on Blu-ray
Who Watched The Watchmen?
The Golden Age of Colonic Irrigation: Monty Python Series 4 on Blu-ray
Lady of Pleasure: Lola Montes on Blu-ray
Take You to the Gay Bar: Funeral Parade of Roses on Blu-ray
Hit for Ms: Mark Cousins' Women Make Film on Blu-ray
Look Sinister: The 1000 Eyes of Dr. Mabuse on Blu-ray
Star Wars Triple Threat: The Tricky Third Prequel and Sequel
I Can See for Miles: The Man with the X-Ray Eyes on Blu-ray
Too Much Pressure: The Family Way on Blu-ray
The Alan Key: Alan Klein and What a Crazy World on Blu-ray
A Japanese Ghost Story: Kwaidan on Blu-ray
The Zu Gang: Zu Warriors from the Magic Mountain on Blu-ray
Reality TV: The Year of the Sex Olympics on DVD
The Young and the Damned: They Live By Night on Blu-ray
Mind How You Go: The Best of COI on Blu-ray
Der Kommissar's in Town: Babylon Berlin Series 3 on DVD
The End of Civilisation as We Know It: The 50th Anniversary
The Whalebone Box: The Andrew Kotting Interview
   
 
  Be Somebody... Or Be Somebody's Fool
Year: 1984
Director: Jeff Margolis
Stars: Mr. T, Valerie Landsburg, New Edition, Shanice, Martika, Stacy Ferguson
Genre: Musical, Documentary, TrashBuy from Amazon
Rating:  8 (from 1 vote)
Review: Every kid needs a role model, but growing up in the 1980’s meant all my heroes and heroines suffered from what are euphemistically known as “problems” – not only the fashion tastes of a Clothes For The Colour Blind charity shop, but also severe mental health problems too. Like Mr. T. Looking like the Exploited fan who spent the days selling cars and the nights pimping ho’s, Mr T had a furious attitude problem too, coming across as some withdrawn dust-head who was considering a new career as a serial killer. Despite his irregular bursts of savage violence though, T was “good with kids”, and because of this, some cheap-assed loser hit upon the, theoretically excellent, idea of getting the schizophrenic meathead to appear in an educational film teaching kids the proper way to live their lives.

Here Mr T. gives plenty of good, nay essential, advice. He explains how you conquer shyness by becoming aggressive and abusing people, and how you get into shape by lifting bags of popcorn, the biggest laughs here being provided by some little fat kid who, like all fatties, just keeps on failin’. Then there’s his thoughts on how to recoup from mistakes. Like how forgetting your trousers (heaven forbid) can be made to look like part of a healthy exercise regime and how to make falling over in the street look like part of a breakdancing routine. And this month long fashion from the eighties pops up again and again during Be Somebody…, with Mr T. being taught a few of the basic moves (i.e., the ones that look crap), although contrary to his “try and try again message”, T. just fucks them off when he can’t get them right. Another more enduring eighties product, rapping, also crops-up here, with Mr. T. himself performing a couple of street poems (with all the mechanical gusto of Stephen Hawking running low on batteries), my particular favourite entitled Treat Your Mother Right (written by none other than Ice T – boy, has he sure come a long way since 1984!). New Edition (apparently they’re famous) perform a song too, Peer Pressure, a warning against finding booze and cigs in litter bins. Like, do they expect you to pay for it?

Worst of all, though, is Mr T’s fashion advice. I mean, would you take tips from a guy who wears his hair in a mohican, feathers in his ears, chains around his neck and odd socks? Not unless you were some glued-up, cider-addled, half-wit gumby punk. The Toughest Man In The World hosts a fashion show, where the kids (The Dimples as they are collectively known) design their own outfits whilst the macho-mentalist hovers in the wings making lewd comments about his underage charges. “She’s a real hot-dawg.” he perves over one girl, and asks another to, “Stir up a breeze Janine. It’s gettin’ hot in here.”

If this sounds completely atrocious, then it’s because it is. It’s a true blasphemy on celluloid – or more accurately videotape. It’s been scripted by morons, features child-actors from the “special classes”, suffers bargain-basement visual effects and Mr T’s attention keeps wandering every time he starts listening to the voices inside his head. Still, it’s bloody good fun too, especially for those of a certain age-group who grew up in the tackiest, crassest, most imbecilic decade ever. This is where the children of the eighties truly get cashback.
Reviewer: Wayne Southworth

 

This review has been viewed 7129 time(s).

As a member you could Rate this film

 
Review Comments (0)


Untitled 1

Login
  Username:
 
  Password:
 
   
 
Forgotten your details? Enter email address in Username box and click Reminder. Your details will be emailed to you.
   

Latest Poll
Which star is the best at shouting?
Arnold Schwarzenegger
Brian Blessed
Tiffany Haddish
Steve Carell
Olivia Colman
Captain Caveman
Sylvester Stallone
Gerard Butler
Samuel L. Jackson
Bipasha Basu
   
 
   

Recent Visitors
Graeme Clark
Darren Jones
Andrew Pragasam
  Mick Stewart
Enoch Sneed
  Dsfgsdfg Dsgdsgsdg
  Hannah Prosser
  Butch Elliot
   

 

Last Updated: