Two gangsters are playing cards in a New York suburban house, unaware that it has just been broken into by a spy, Agent 99, who is seeking their files to take back to his superior. Once he has found what he's looking for, he is about to make good his escape when he is discovered and set about by the gangsters, who after trying to bundle him into a car end up running him over with it, leaving him dying by the roadside. He is able to blurt out a message with his dying breath to the effect that his fellow agents should be looking for a man with a scar - but who can take over the mission now?
How about the agent of the title with the 73" bust who happened to be played by the star of the same year's Deadly Weapons? Chesty Morgan, for it was she, was our lady of action which this time around didn't mean her smothering bad guys to death with her enormous bosom, but taking photographs with it - not of it, with it. Heroine Jane Genet had a camera implanted in her left breast with which she snapped the pics, and we knew she was doing so because Miss Morgan, having disrobed for the umpteenth time, would lift said breast and we'd hear a shutter sound, with all the evident excitement of changing the TV channel with your remote control.
Aside from her pendulous natural assets, Morgan (real name Liliana Wilczkowska, as she was a Polish woman) did not display much reason or indeed inclination for appearing in the movies, though whether that pained expression she wore was boredom or discomfort was difficult to make out. Fortunately she had a mentor who was a giant of cinema to guide her, well, a giant of trash cinema at any rate: the legendary Doris Wishman who came up with a host of no-budget sexploitation throughout her career, though her Chesty Morgan movies appeared to be her most lasting legacy to the world of film. Unlike her contemporary Russ Meyer, however, she was never going to be accused of much in the way of skill, or talent for that matter.
What she did have was an ability to work cheap and no qualms about depicting nudity, so presumably this was why she was hired so often during her heyday, adding her trademark quirks which made her work so distinctive, such as the habit of filming the backs of her cast's heads when they were speaking (so they could dub the dialogue on later) or more obviously, her love of closeups of feet. For a while you'll be wondering whether it's Chesty's poitrine or her fancy shoes which are meant to be the main attraction here as there are at least as many shots of the leading lady's tootsies as there are scenes of her resignedly shuffling off her bra once again. There were signs this was Wishman's idea of an action movie too, adding her ineptitude to a plainly sped up car chase and having Morgan punch a bad guy with one boob.
Naturally this was such a disaster that if you're in the right mood you could find it pretty hilarious, and no matter that Morgan bears a look that says she'd rather be anywhere else the amateurism will elicit a good number of chuckles. Take, for example, Jane's best friend who mere seconds after being introduced is abruptly stabbed to death in the shower in a case of the assassin's mistaken identity - surely there was some kind of distinguishing feature his bosses could have alerted him to? Or perhaps two? Then there's the constant technical flubs and straining to create that most elusive of convincing characters, the female James Bond, with nothing convincing you that Jane could in any way manage the rigours of espionage whether she had a camera in an intimate area or not - no wonder she's so keen to get out of those garish clothes. When you finally learn it's a camera bomb in there, it's the icing on a sleazily preposterous cake, and about as appetising as that sounds. The identity of Mister Big will surprise no one.
American writer-producer-director regarded by many as one of the worst directors of all time, her idiosyncratic, low budget, often sexually-themed films include Nude on the Moon, Bad Girls Go To Hell, The Amazing Transplant, Let Me Die A Woman and the two "Chesty Morgan" films: Double Agent 73 and Deadly Weapons. Watch for her highly individual use of the closeup and dubbed dialogue, not to mention all those feet.
