Newest Reviews
Halloween Kills
Sun Shines Bright, The
Last Thing Mary Saw, The
Mon Oncle d'Amerique
Wild Strawberries
Runner, The
Don't Look Up
Ghostbusters: Afterlife
Forever Purge, The
Venom: Let There Be Carnage
Legend of La Llorona, The
Perdita Durango
Commando, The
Woodlands Dark and Days Bewitched: A History of Folk Horror
Boiling Point
Deadly Games
Voyeurs, The
Beyond the Infinite Two Minutes
In the Earth
Hiroshima Mon Amour
Hotel Poseidon
No Time to Die
Jingle Jangle: A Christmas Journey
Power of the Dog, The
Voyage of Time: An IMAX Documentary
Suicide Squad, The
One Night in Miami...
Newest Articles
Super Sammo: Warriors Two and The Prodigal Son on Blu-ray
Sex vs Violence: In the Realm of the Senses on Blu-ray
What's So Funny About Brit Horror? Vampira and Bloodbath at the House of Death on Arrow
Keeping the Beatles Alive: Get Back
The Punk Rock Movie: Out of the Blue on Blu-ray
Yeah, Too Quiet: The Great Silence on Blu-ray
Vestron Double Bill: Dementia 13 and The Wraith
Farewell Dean Stockwell: His Years of Weirdness
Kung Fu Craft: Cinematic Vengeance! on Blu-ray
999 Letsbe Avenue: Gideon's Way on Blu-ray
Hungary for Cartoons: Hungarian Animations on MUBI
You Have No Choice: Invasion of the Body Snatchers on Blu-ray
You Can't Tame What's Meant to Be Wild: The Howling on Blu-ray
Commendably Brief: Short Sharp Shocks Vol. 2 on Blu-ray
Super Silents: Early Universal Vol. 2 on Blu-ray
Fable Fear: The Singing Ringing Tree on Blu-ray
Gunsight Eyes: The Sabata Trilogy on Blu-ray
Bloody Bastard Baby: The Monster/I Don't Want to Be Born on Blu-ray
Night of the Animated Dead: Director Jason Axinn Interview
The ParaPod: A Very British Ghost Hunt - Interview with Director/Star Ian Boldsworth
On the Right Track: Best of British Transport Films Vol. 2
The Guns of Nutty Joan: Johnny Guitar on Blu-ray
Intercourse Between Two Worlds: Twin Peaks Fire Walk with Me/The Missing Pieces on Blu-ray
Enjoy the Silents: Early Universal Vol. 1 on Blu-ray
Masterful: The Servant on Blu-ray
  Never Too Young to Die You Don't Want To Know What I-Spy
Year: 1986
Director: Gil Bettman
Stars: John Stamos, Vanity, Gene Simmons, George Lazenby, Peter Kwong, Ed Brock, John Anderson, Robert Englund, Tara Buckman, Curtis Taylor, Jon Greene, Tim Colceri, John Miranda, Patrick Wright, Gary Kasper, Art Payton, Ivar Mireles, Randy Hall
Genre: Action, Thriller, Trash, Science Fiction, AdventureBuy from Amazon
Rating:  4 (from 1 vote)
Review: Hermaphrodite supercriminal Velvet Von Ragner (Gene Simmons) has devised a new plan to gain untold amounts of money by holding the city of Los Angeles to ransom. How will he go about this? By threatening to pollute the water supply, and he has the means to pull it off thanks to his high-tech operation and army of followers who will perform his every command without question. There's just one major snag: the computer disc that holds the code to set off the attack has been stolen by a secret agent, Stargrove (George Lazenby), and he's not willing to give it back without a fight...

If you're thinking, well done George, finally headlining a movie after all those years in the cheap flicks wilderness since turning down another Bond, then hold your horses there because Lazenby only appeared in the opening ten minutes or so of this before getting bumped off. No, he wasn't the star, he was the special guest, for the actual leading man was John Stamos, the year before he found American sitcom fame in Full House, playing Lazenby's son Lance. He's a high school student who happens to be an excellent gymnast, a plot point which if you've seen Gymkata you might expect to feature heavily in the action sequences to follow.

You might think that, but apart from a couple of "special" jumps it has nothing to do with what happens next - maybe the producers just wanted to see him on a trampoline wearing a leotard? Anyway, once Lance hears of his father's demise he is understandably not best pleased, not least because he never really got to know him as well as he would have liked to. But after being contacted by one of his dad's bosses, he finds himself out for revenge on the man who executed Stargrove, who happened to be Von Ragner, the real reason this has attracted the cultish attention it has since its release. It was Gene Simmons from KISS in possibly his campest role, dressing up transvestite style and purring seductively.

If you can think of anything more of a turn-off than that, keep it to yourself, but if nothing else Simmons was worryingly memorable in his spangly outfits and huge perm, even performing a nightclub act as if he was Marlene Dietrich in some old Josef von Sternberg movie. As you were left pondering what the hell the filmmakers thought they were doing, the movie burbled along regardless, as if each additional item of absurdity was perfectly reasonable for your average eighties action outing, so there were plenty of sequences where cars were chased, bombs went off, and fists flew. As far as you could tell, this believed it was an adventure in the James Bond vein (why else hire Lazenby?), but even A View to a Kill didn't sink to these levels of oppressive tackiness.

What Never Too Young to Die proved was getting that particular quality of Bond movies was not as easy as it looked, something all those spy cash-ins of the sixties had proven quite convincingly, but hadn't put off those of lesser means emulating them for decades. This was not looking forward to the Bourne series, as you couldn't have placed it anywhere except 1986, what with its screechy synth score (by about five people) and the love interest played by Vanity. She was a fellow agent who falls in love with Lance, though seemed to have been hired to perform in a sort of softcore pop video sequence where she finally seduced our hero as she made little impact elsewhere. The other guest star was Robert Englund, in between Nightmare on Elm Street entries, who gets about three lines as the computer expert Van Ragner has hired. Featuring a climactic battle where Stamos sinks his teeth into Simmons' bosom, this could only have been made by a team with spectacular lack of self-awareness as to how weird they truly were.
Reviewer: Graeme Clark


This review has been viewed 3445 time(s).

As a member you could Rate this film

Review Comments (0)

Untitled 1

Forgotten your details? Enter email address in Username box and click Reminder. Your details will be emailed to you.

Latest Poll
Which star probably has psychic powers?
Laurence Fishburne
Nicolas Cage
Anya Taylor-Joy
Patrick Stewart
Sissy Spacek
Michelle Yeoh
Aubrey Plaza
Tom Cruise
Beatrice Dalle
Michael Ironside

Recent Visitors
Graeme Clark
Andrew Pragasam
Darren Jones
Jason Cook
Enoch Sneed
  Desbris M
  Paul Tuersley
  Chris Garbutt


Last Updated: