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  Moonwalker Choose me Michael!
Year: 1988
Director: Jim Blashfield, Colin Chilvers, Jerry Kramer
Stars: Michael Jackson, Joe Pesci, Brandon Adams, Sean Lennon, Kellie Parker
Genre: Musical, Action, Science Fiction, FantasyBuy from Amazon
Rating:  7 (from 4 votes)
Review: Hey who remembers Moonwalker! We love you Michael! I mean don’t get me wrong I’m not part of that loyal fanbase that still believes he’s got a ‘pigmentation disorder’ and has only had ‘two nose jobs’, but to all of you who slag him off I ask you to take a good look at yourselves and can you honestly say that you didn’t once do a little crotch grab and double kick at your school disco in between choking on dry ice, doing those press-ups to ‘Ice Ice Baby’ and fingering some fishy minger by the lemonade table? Maybe that was just me but how quick people are to forget, don’t those fuckers remember the eighties? We were gonna nuke those filthy Reds and Reagan was going to put lasers in space! And Jackson was right there in amongst it all. I mean this was the same man that gave us the genius of ‘Bad’. He deserves to be made king of the world for that alone, and then I would make Schwarzenegger his president purely for giving us ‘Predator’.

Used as a shameless album plug, Moonwalker is self-indulgence in its purest form. A series of Jackson music video’s and unrelated sketches give us a brief rundown of the star’s career. This is precariously bolted on to the thinnest strand of plot I have ever seen in my life. The second half of the film plays out like an urban fantasy as Jackson comes to the aid of three 'adoring' young children (Brandon Adams, Sean Lennon, Kellie Parker) who, whilst playing in a forest, discover a secret hideout where the evil gangster Mr Big (Joe Pesci) plans to turn every child in the world into a drug addict (has he already been to South London?). Equipped with a handful of lines and a well-oiled mullet, Jackson is robot, alien and messiah all rolled into one. When finally surrounded by Mr Big’s goons Jackson transforms into some kind of silver spaceship (I like to think that maybe this is what Jesus would have done if he’d decided to get down off the cross and kick some ass instead of dying for our sinzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz).

You could get away with this pseudo-messianic stuff back in the eighties, but look how Jackson got slated when he tried the same trick at the Brits. These days I think he lives in some kind of time bubble, coming out with the same suits and dance moves that he used back in the day, surrounded by a bunch of yes-men who are bleeding him dry, ‘Your nose looks great Michael!’

The public loved the general weirdness but then out came the allegations of kiddie fiddling. Unfortunately those sorts of allegations stick, just ask my dad! The public lost interest after that and all of a sudden it was uncool and a bit gay to like Michael Jackson. New sounds came out and everyone except me and the Arab world moved on. But I still wore my sequined glove and busted moves through those playground beatings.

And anyway who cares if a man likes playing with little boys dicks, who doesn’t! Errr anyway I heard Jackson was just covering for Bubbles. Word is the chimp fucked anything that moved, finally turning on Jacko and attacking him in the nineties. But can you blame him; make anything walk around in nappies and Hawaiian shirts for long enough and its gonna turn on you sooner or later. I imagine Bubbles now spends his days reminiscing about Jackson whilst waiting to be boiled up in the basement of a Chinese restaurant. But not to worry at least Jackson shows responsibilty when it comes to his own kids!

I would recommend that Moonwalker is worth sitting through simply to see the Smooth Criminal video, that’s what dragged me back to the cinema three or four times wearing a jacket with bits of chain and mirror stuck to it. The genius choreography sees Jackson in Club 30’s going all out to exhibit his full range of dance moves. You’d be hard pushed to find a ‘smoother’ music video even today.

There was also a computer game available on the Sega Megadrive to accompany the film, in which Jackson, with a twinkle in his eye, dressed in '30s garb and followed by a trail of stardust, battles street thugs, mobsters and corpses with those magical feet of his.

I will now end this homage to Michael Jackson which has been thinly disguised as a film review but before I go can any Jackson fans out there explain the following things that I’ve always wanted to know:

Why does Jackson wear plasters on his finger tips?

What is Jackson saying when he goes ‘Schhhhmone’?

Is there any footage on the internet of Jackson's cock? I’ve always wondered what it would look like? Is it like a Dalmation!

And just remember:

If you wanna make the world a better place
take a look at yourself and then make a change

I'm starting with the man in the mirror.
Reviewer: Phil Michaels

 

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