Hey kids, would you like to see a man turned into a giant penis? Or watch sexy Ellen Chan give a blowjob to an invisible wizard? Then look no further! Eternal Evil of Asia opens with a hilarious lecture about hexes and wizardry across Asia, “an evil branch of Hinduism mixed with Chinese black magic.” Some of these evil sorcerers kidnap children and turn them into “Little Ghosts” that spy on unsuspecting victims. “But they’re still kids, though, and enjoy going to the movies!” informs our narrator. “If a pasty-looking kid sits next to you at the cinema, try not to offend him.” We immediately cut to a man watching Eternal Evil of Asia on the big screen, when a pasty-looking kid asks to be taken to the toilet. “And he was never seen again!” Bwah-ha-ha! Anyway, onto our story…
Evil Wizard Laimi (Ng Ngai-Cheung) stalks the streets of Hong Kong, ripping stray cats to gory pieces and muttering spells. One of his spells brings an elderly couple back from the grave to terrorize their son, Ah Lam (Bobby Au-Yueng Jan-Wa). They force feed him pot noodle (?!) until he hacks them to bloody bits with a meat cleaver - only to realise he’s killed his wife and young son! Chased by zombies, poor Ah Lam takes a dive off a tall building and is impaled on fluorescent light tubes. His friends, Bon (Chan Kwok-Bong), Kong (Elvis Tsui) and Kent (Ng Shui-Ting) gather the next morning and worry, “It’s because of that thing we did in Thailand.”
Meanwhile, Bon’s girlfriend May (Ellen Chan) is worried why, despite her skimpy lingerie and sultry, saxophone-scored seduction technique, her boyfriend can’t get it up. It’s because wacky Wizard Laimi is using a voodoo doll to block Bon’s sex-drive. He’s also stalking May, but at the hair salon she is rescued by her favourite customer, former Miss Thailand/amateur sorceress Fung Mei (Lily Lung), who uses hairspray and a cigarette lighter for an impromptu flamethrower. Just like Griffin Dunne in An American Werewolf in London (1981), a cheerfully undead Lam, still impaled with fluorescent tubes, warns Bon the wizard is on their trail.
Finally, Bon confesses all. Seems one month ago, he and his horny friends took a sex trip to Thailand where, after fleeing some brothel-running gangsters, they hid out at Wizard Lamie’s house. Non-believer Kong calls Lamie a “dickhead”, triggering his justly infamous transformation into a giant talking penis. Piss spurts from his head when he panics and the randy clown can’t help rubbing himself. It turns out, Wizard Lamie is in the middle of a wizard’s duel against a husband and wife (Julie Lee Wa-Yuet) witch duo, who fight back by eating (and regurgitating!) human placenta and performing the “Mating Hex”. Which basically involves flying through the air whilst bonking like bunnies.
Bon saves Wizard Lamie’s life so, after decapitating the witch - whose severed head briefly latches onto Ah Lam’s crotch! - he asks them to dinner, where they meet his beautiful sister, Shui Mei (Chin Gwan). She takes a shine to Bon and asks big bro to gather sweat from her naked body to create a love drug. Unfortunately, it’s delivered to his friends instead, leading to a heady three-way orgy, after which Shui Mei is accidentally killed. Back in the present, voodoo spells turn Kent into a ravenous cannibal and pierce Kong’s skull with acupuncture pins (Hmm… from dickhead, to pinhead). It’s down to May to use her feminine wiles and save her beloved Bon.
This starts off with some stylish shocks and creepy camerawork, but quickly abandons all pretence at being a straight horror movie for an outrageous cocktail of softcore sex, Carry On comedy and kung fu fantasy. Just as Transylvania embodies a world of lawlessness, old world horror and superstition for Europeans, so too does Thailand function for Hong Kong city slickers. Like Hammer horror this deals in sexual anxiety and the consequences of venereal disease, yet unlike in those movies virginity is no source of mystical purity (“It’s no big deal to have more than one man”, says Fung Mei).
In fact, the more wanton and sensual May behaves, the more powerful she becomes, leading to a show-stopping finale that offers the sexploitation version of Van Helsing and company protecting Mina’s bedside, or Father Merrin redeeming Regan’s soul in The Exorcist (1973). Scantily-clad in holy robes, May first orally pleasures her invisible assailant as he strips her naked, then shags him silly atop a chandelier and flying in mid-air, till he reaches death orgasm. Jaw-dropping stuff and not for the easily offended, but fans of far-out Hong Kong horror will want to check this out. Writer-director Cash Chin Man-Kei is something of an exploitation legend, with trash classics like 1941 Hong Kong on Fire (1994) and Sex & Zen II (1996) to his credit. Lookout for his forthcoming return to big screen sexploitation, The Forbidden Legend: Sex & Chopsticks (2008).
