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  I Bought a Vampire Motorcycle One For The Road
Year: 1990
Director: Dirk Campbell
Stars: Neil Morrissey, Amanda Noar, Michael Elphick, Anthony Daniels, Andrew Powell, George Rossi, Daniel Peacock, Midge Taylor, David Daker, Burt Kwouk, Brendan Donnison, Graham Padden, Paula Ann Bland, Teddie Thompson, Terence Budd, Ann Casson, Ed Devereaux
Genre: Horror, Comedy, TrashBuy from Amazon
Rating:  6 (from 1 vote)
Review: A sect of Satanists are performing a blasphemous rite on a patch of wasteground to raise one of the most formidable demons around, but it doesn't all go according to plan. This is because a gang of Hell's Angels arrive with weapons and set about attacking the Satanists, meaning the rite is interrupted - but an act of hellish horror does occur when the spirit of the head Satanist escapes his now-zombiefied body and channels straight into his motorcycle. The next day, motorcycle courier Nick Oddie, or Noddy (Neil Morrissey) to his friends is looking to buy a new bike, and to that end just happens to purchase one that is slightly damaged but in otherwise good condition - or evil condition as it turns out...

A while before Men Behaving Badly, and an even longer while before Bob the Builder, Neil Morrissey entered the public consciousness through his role in the popular television series Boon, which he starred in with Michael Elphick. They made such a good team that they were both hired for this deliberately trashy horror comedy, which resembled a British attempt to make a Troma film with its gory effects and base humour. Morrissey is the hero who inadvertently buys the possessed vehicle, and Elphick plays the garlic-munching police inspector Cleaver who investigates the mayhem left in the bike's wake.

Written by Mycal Miller and John Wolskel, the film sets out its "don't take this seriously folks!" approach early on, and so follows a stream of groansome jokes, some of which end up raising a laugh or two. The first victim of the motorcycle is Noddy's friend Buzzer (Daniel Peacock), done in for his audacity to steal the petrol cap and discovered in his home with his head removed from his body and the front door smashed in. Noddy doesn't dwell too much on Buzzer's death until he suffers a couple of nightmares, and even then it takes a lot to wake him up to the fact that something is amiss.

The second of those nightmares is probably the most notorious scene, where Noddy has been on the toilet and turned round to see that the turd in the bowl has Buzzer's face and is talking to him - not only that, but in a prime "bleeurgh" moment, it leaps into his mouth. There are more disgusting jokes to come, but nothing quite matches that. Anyway, while out on the bike, Noddy drives past the Hell's Angels, and his bike goes wild, careering into them and sending them flying. How unfortunate then that the next night Noddy and his girlfriend Kim (Amanda Noar) should encounter those Hell's Angels in the local pub.

A big rumpus erupts, complete with a swordfight as the bike runs over the Angels' transport outside. The vampire motorbike, which has a tendency to grow spikes and roar, wants revenge, but is also quite content to bump off innocent bystanders too, and of course a traffic warden ends up drained of blood. When C3-PO himself, Anthony Daniels appears as a priest to excorcise the bike ("Right, let's go kick some bottom!") you'll either be rolling your eyes at the cheap and cheerful quality of this unashamed rubbish, or thinking "why not?" and going with the flow. There is certainly fun to be had, none of the cast bring down the hearty mood, and where else can you see Claire from Grange Hilll being halved by a killer motorbike? Music by Dean Friedman. Yes, the bloke who sang "Lucky Stars".
Reviewer: Graeme Clark

 

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