HOME |  CULT MOVIES | COMPETITIONS | ADVERTISE |  CONTACT US |  ABOUT US
 
 
 
Newest Reviews
Superdeep
Insignificance
Treasure City
Piccadilly
Parallel
Invasión
Shiva Baby
Flowers of Shanghai
War and Peace
Agony
Merrily We Go to Hell
Ellie & Abbie (& Ellie's Dead Aunt)
Amusement Park, The
Lemebel
Hands of Orlac, The
Cats
Death has Blue Eyes
Caveat
Kala Azar
Duplicate
Flashback
Gunda
After Love
Earwig and the Witch
Zebra Girl
Skull: The Mask
Vanquish
Bank Job
Drunk Bus
Homewrecker
State Funeral
Army of the Dead
Initiation
Redoubt
Dinner in America
Death Will Come and Shall Have Your Eyes
PG: Psycho Goreman
Maeve
Sound of Metal
Things of Life, The
   
 
Newest Articles
She's Evil! She's Brilliant! Basic Instinct on Blu-ray
Hong Kong Dreamin': World of Wong Kar Wai on Blu-ray
Buckle Your Swash: The Devil-Ship Pirates on Blu-ray
Way of the Exploding Fist: One Armed Boxer on Blu-ray
A Lot of Growing Up to Do: Fast Times at Ridgemont High on Blu-ray
Oh My Godard: Masculin Feminin on Blu-ray
Let Us Play: Play for Today Volume 2 on Blu-ray
Before The Matrix, There was Johnny Mnemonic: on Digital
More Than Mad Science: Karloff at Columbia on Blu-ray
Indian Summer: The Darjeeling Limited on Blu-ray
3 from 1950s Hollyweird: Dr. T, Mankind and Plan 9
Meiko Kaji's Girl Gangs: Stray Cat Rock on Arrow
Having a Wild Weekend: Catch Us If You Can on Blu-ray
The Drifters: Star Lucie Bourdeu Interview
Meiko Kaji Behind Bars: Female Prisoner Scorpion on Arrow
The Horror of the Soviets: Viy on Blu-ray
Network Double Bills: Tarka the Otter and The Belstone Fox
Network Double Bills: All Night Long and Ballad in Blue
Chew Him Up and Spit Him Out: Romeo is Bleeding on Blu-ray
British Body Snatchers: They Came from Beyond Space on Blu-ray
Bzzzt: Pulse on Blu-ray
The Tombs Will Be Their Cities: Demons and Demons 2 on Arrow
Somebody Killed Her Husband: Charade on Blu-ray
Network Double Bills: Maroc 7 and Invasion
Network Double Bills: The Best of Benny Hill and The Likely Lads
   
 
  Asian XP Games Here's one in your eye!
Year: 2003
Director: Jastero
Stars: Mika Tan, Benjamin Banks, Lipenh, Danaeua, Baen, Dyami, Dung, Yong-Suk, Linmei
Genre: Sex, Documentary, TrashBuy from Amazon
Rating:  7 (from 3 votes)
Review: And it smells like the Bargain Basement in a Norwegian fish market here at the Asian XP Games, where the cheapest slappers in the Eastern hemisphere are lining up to degrade themselves for our entertainment! This disgraceful oddity, written pseudonemously by The Hound, and directed by someone who calls himself Jastero, apparently celebrates the ancient Asian art of Ku-chi (hmmm – right!) – that is using the vaginal muscles for something much more productive than mere sex and childbirth, choosing instead to compete in a variety of well-respected sporting events: Divine Wind And Fire (putting out candles), Jade Rings (an interesting way of using chopsticks…), Scorpians (sic) Sting (firing darts at balloons), Flying Fruit (like the high-jump but with bananas) and Dragon Shot (shot-putt), plus a bonus just-for-fun round, Ling Golf Ball Invitational (playing golf with… you get the idea!). Looks like we’re in for some really classy material here, folks!

The games are narrated by none other than 1998 XP champion Mika Tan (who?), and pussy expert Chip Phister (nice name! Sadly his real name is Benjamin Banks. What a pity!), who turn the air blue with a torrent of innuendo about pussies, cracks, holes and lips – and then some! – which inevitably makes my life a helluva lot more difficult as I really have to really plumb the depths of my dirty little mind looking for new ways to say “cunt”! I mean, these bastards even pinched my term “minge-singe”, which I have been using on and off for around ten years! It’s mine! However vulgar though, this is what I call REAL comedy no matter how repetitive it can be, and the laughs don’t stop here. The games are allegedly sponsored by, amongst others, FukTuk Limousines, Vagia Bottled Water and Winganaprayer Airlines. The audience, painted onto a sheet hanging from the wall, includes Napoleon and Adolf Hitler amongst its patrons, and the winner’s national anthem is played (very badly, I feel ) by a particularly crude “wind section”.

And it’s the comedy that really makes this depraved show. It’s hardly a turn-on, and these girls are by no means oil paintings (sadly, the gorgeous Mika Tan feels she’s too good to take her clothes off for perverts like us), and as far as classy-chicks go, these are more Razzle than Playboy – spots and bruises on all the wrong places, and the winner even wears a horrid pair of dirty socks. Disgusting!, especially as hygiene is of utmost importance here – assistants handling the sporting equipment all have carrier bags wrapped around their hands.

Lamentably, XP is a prime example of what I would call “conservative subversiveness” – that is so-called free-thinking that still retains old-fashioned reactionary, conservative views – it seems to happen a lot in America, especially during the War On Terror The movie is littered with references to both Saddam Hussein and Osama Bin Laden -–they are seen sitting in the audience, dancing with each other and eventually peppered with a machine-gun barrage of pussy darts. A minor annoyance, true, and it’s also all in good fun, but it’s still a little unsettling, and also a little sad, for porno-flicks to pander to the whims of the very people who’d like to them banned.

I wonder if Ku-Chi really is based on some ancient, Oriental erotic art. The Scorpians Sting event is almost exactly the same as a similar sequence in Takashi Miike’s Fudoh – then again, that film could easily have been a catalyst for this entire gallery of perversion. Fudoh’s shooting-from-the-clit scenes weighed heavily on my mind for quite a while, I can tell you! It’s hard to sum up XP – it is terrible, but it’s also grotesquely fascinating; you won’t be able to resist whipping it out in front of your drunken mates! In fact, you’ll probably be “chuff”-ed (© Bobby Davro, 1986) to bits!
Reviewer: Wayne Southworth

 

This review has been viewed 52368 time(s).

As a member you could Rate this film

 
Review Comments (0)


Untitled 1

Login
  Username:
 
  Password:
 
   
 
Forgotten your details? Enter email address in Username box and click Reminder. Your details will be emailed to you.
   

Latest Poll
Which star probably has psychic powers?
Laurence Fishburne
Nicolas Cage
Anya Taylor-Joy
Patrick Stewart
Sissy Spacek
Michelle Yeoh
Aubrey Plaza
Tom Cruise
Beatrice Dalle
Michael Ironside
   
 
   

Recent Visitors
Graeme Clark
Darren Jones
Enoch Sneed
  Desbris M
Andrew Pragasam
  Paul Tuersley
  Chris Garbutt
  Sdfadf Rtfgsdf
   

 

Last Updated: