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But you have found the eighth Spinning Image
Newsletter! Another electronic mixture of odds and ends, and electronic
is the key word here...
Computers, eh? Without them you wouldn't be able to access all that porn,
er, I mean, information from all over the world - information you can
scarcely do without! Imagine a day without the internet - you can't can
you? It would be too horrible to contemplate.
And the reason for this? Computers are taking over the world! Read on,
gentle reader, read on...
This month our competition has a distinctly chop-suey flavour. We've got
DVD copies of Binchunmoo and Shaolin Kung-Fu to give away. Entering couldn't be simpler than following this link! (sorry - this competition is now closed).
- News Pages
The homepage has updated film news with relevant links. Only the 10
most recent are displayed, but all news items are held in the archive
for reference. Don't forget you can also send in your own news items
via the Newsletter
There's a 10 star rating system on all reviews on the site. If you'd
like to give a rating to a film you've seen then just scroll to the
bottom of the review - select your score and click 'Rate Film' to see
how your rating affects the films overall score.
All reviews can accept your comments. If you want to add a snippet of
info to a film, trivia, comment on the review or anything relevant then
feel free. The reviewer will be informed of your comment and so may
reply with additional comments.
To use any of the above features you must be a member (and you are
aren't you?) and you must be logged in! Members also get told about
competitions in advance... maybe we should make competitions a members
only feature - what do you reckon?
DOES NOT COMPUTE - OR DOES IT?
Let's look at the evidence from the most reliable source: the movies.
Films have been quick to spot any looming trends, and the computer revolution
is no different. So now that we are living in the future, how can we expect
to see computers invading our lives?
- 2001 A Space Odyssey - Who's the most interesting character?
It's HAL 9000, isn't it? He has the sense of humour, the good manners
and the cunning to make sure you know who's boss. OK, his singing could
use a little work, but we've given him the power over life and death
- especially death!
- Colossus The Forbin Project - Some problems are too big for
our tiny human brains to contemplate, so we delegate supercomputers
to work out the hard stuff. Big mistake! That's just the excuse they're
looking for to take over the whole world! And here's the evidence! Do
your own thinking and get rid of that pocket calculator just in case!
- Demon Seed - Well, there's one thing computers can't do - rumpy-pumpy!
But this film shows that even that most human of functions could be
adopted by our silicon chip servants to create little computer people.
Would you have sex with a computer? Of course you would. Wouldn't, that
- You see, you put the supercomputer in charge of killing us puny humans
and it's going to get to like the idea. Anything could set it off, from
a Matthew Broderick to an Ally Sheedy. It might learn a lesson now,
but what about next time? And there will be a next time!
- Superman III - Computers need power to operate, and the bigger
the computer, the more power it needs, until only Superman himself can
find the "off" switch - and he's a fictional character! Plus it will
invent laser beams and turn people into robots to do its bidding! This
could only be days away...
- Terminator 2: Judgement Day - A glimpse into the future for the unwary. Yes it will happen, computers will take over the world as we know it, start blowing us up with lasers and stuff, and the only way to stop it will be to travel back in time to make sure Clive Sinclair never lets that pocket calculator get out of hand....
- The Matrix - The final insult. Now computers use us as a power
source, even though we're not very economical - they're just doing it
as a joke! And computers have a very repetitive, poorly evolved sense
of humour, just like babies! Well boo to you technology! I'm going back
to the abacus!
But before I do, let's have a look at how computers are treated in the
movies, as seen by the living, breathing denizens of the internet.
IS IT A GAME OR IS IT REAL?
Naturally, whenever a computer game is a big hit, the movie rights are
sold - but what about those games of yesteryear that haven't been adapted
for the big screen yet? Get your chequebooks out you producers, because
here's a few ideas to match the huge box office returns of Super Mario
Brothers, Streetfighter and Double Dragon!
- Pong - Imagine the multiplexes across the world echoing to
the sound of "Blip!" "Bloop!". Darren Aronofsky could direct it as a
sequel to his hit film Pi.
- Pacman - Robin Williams finds his ideal role here. Look, if
he can dress up as a woman, he can dress up a yellow circle being chased
by ghosts. Jumanji was just the same! Nearly.
- Frogger - Philip Seymour Hoffman in a big green frog suit,
battling to make it across a log-filled river and a busy road - the
tension would be unbearable!
- Donkey Kong - Before you remake King Kong, Mr Jackson, we say,
"Hold on!" Consider an all-action "giant ape throwing barrels down ramps"
- Manic Miner - Rhys Ifans as Miner Willy, leaping his way through
caverns fraught with dangerous telephones, toilets, and er, whatever
that was supposed to be. Brilliant.
- Jet Set Willy - There has to be a sequel as Ifans returns to
clear up after a wild party. The DVD version includes various POKEs
to make things easier for him.
- Knightlore - Bruce Campbell takes the lead as Sabreman, who
has the unfortunate affliction of turning into a werewolf every couple
of minutes as he tries to find a cure. In 3-D!
- Out Run - Seann William Scott and Kate Hudson in the driver's
seat (well, alternating in the driver's seat) of a red Ferrari for a
Gumball Rally-style adventure along the highways.
- Doom - Vin Deisel arrives festooned with weaponry to blow away
all manner of zombies, beasts and guards. No plot needed, just an hour
and a half of mindless violence.
What fantastic ideas! Any money men out there - get in touch! Any other
suggestions? Let us know!
As a member you can send your own articles for inclusion on the site.
These can be on any cult movie related subject - although you might like
to email me before embarking on a massive project which is then deemed
unsuitable. On the whole though, if you think it might interest other
readers it's good enough for us.
You know, those films the critics hated but you kind of like? Dare you
admit to them? Mary Sibley dares...
- The Avengers - A butchered storyline (courtesy of Warner Bros.
and their listening to an audience of numbskulls), but where else can
one catch a glimpse of Ralph Fiennes peeking out from a blue blankie
with nary a thought of Shakespeare crossing his mind???? Lucious and
- Pros and Cons - A highly amusing "I was framed, but watch
me play an idiot" film, delightfully rendered in laugh fashion by David
Rasche, Tommy Davidson and Larry Miller. The story sideline of decorating
one's prison cell should be a crime! No food for thought with this movie.
- The Big Tease - Another Rasche film dealing with the World
Hairdresser International Federation Competition and all the loonytoons
who inhabit the hair styling business. Rasche as Stig, the flamboyant
hairdresser is worth a month's salary for the hilarious accent and antics
- Ishtar - How great it is to see how the Mighty wet all over
themselves with this stinker! It can only be hoped that Hoffman, Beatty,
May and the rest of the cast sought new agents after this little fiasco!
I rub my hands in glee and smile from ear to ear at this Titanic.
- Death To Smoochy - anything that makes fun of Barney the Dinosaur
is tops in my book.
- Simone - Al Pacino... has finally winning an Oscar for a forgettable
film made you lose all sense of reason? Talk about overacting, but being
able, as the viewer to laugh oneself silly at what a great talent he
USED to be just about says it all.
- Snow Dogs - Calling Cuba Gooding, Jr. The plane has left with
your Oscar!! Actor's Hell awaits!!
- Collateral Damage - Arnold in all his consummate glory and
monosyllabic glory. I guess marrying into the Kennedy clan does have
- XXX - Van Diesel... need I say more? In the mold of Arnold,
short on words and long on muscle. Kinda dumb, I like that in a man.
- My Big Fat Greek Wedding - harmless fluff with a tendancy
to grate on the nerves, but touching in its own special old Greek way.
Some brave choices there... any other suggestions? Let us know...
Well, the public have voted and 24% of people wanted to act in the first
all-star porno movie, making this choice the winner. Unfortunately the
stars of this porno would be Kathy Bates, Sandra Bernhard, Danny DeVito,
D.J. Qualls, Michael Berryman and Miriam Margolyes.
But never mind, there's a new poll up and running, so go on and vote!
REST IN PEACE
Ice skater and actress Vera Hruba Ralston died in February aged 81. Nominated
in the Golden Turkey Awards as one of the worst actresses of all time,
she was the object of Republic head Herbert Yates' desire, and he put
her in many movies, allegedly leading to Republic's demise. Her films
included two John Wayne movies, Dakota and The Fighting Kentuckian,
and The Lady and the Monster.
Greek actor Titos Vandis died aged 86 in February. His film appearances
included Topkapi, The Exorcist, Smile, Oh God!
and A Perfect Couple.
Daniel Taradash, who won an Oscar for adapting From Here to Eternity,
died aged 90 in February. Other credits were Golden Boy, Rancho
Notorious, Castle Keep and trash classic The Other Side
of Midnight. He was also head of the Motion Picture Academy during
Horst Buchholz was called the German James Dean when he started out,
appearing in Tiger Bay, One Two Three and as one of The
Magnificent Seven. In later years, he turned to TV, but also appeared
in the Oscar-winning Life is Beautiful. He died aged 69 in March.
Actor and sixties pop singer Adam Faith appeared in Beat Girl,
What a Whopper!, Stardust, Foxes and McVicar
on film, and also starred in Budgie and Love Hurts on TV.
He died aged 62 in March.
Dame Thora Hird was an actress of stage and screen who died aged 91 in
March. Some of her films included Went the Day Well?, The Magic
Box, The Quatermass Xperiment, The Entertainer, A
Kind of Loving and The Nightcomers, but some of her best work
was on TV, as in Alan Bennett's Talking Heads series.
Hong Kong film star Leslie Cheung appeared in A
Better Tomorrow and its sequel, A Chinese Ghost Story and
its sequel, Rouge, The Bride with White Hair and its sequel,
Farewell My Concubine, Ashes of Time and Happy Together.
He committed suicide aged 46 at the end of March.
Actor Michael Jeter appeared in Hair, Miller's Crossing,
The Fisher King, Waterworld, Mouse Hunt, Fear
and Loathing in Las Vegas, The Green Mile and Jurassic Park
III. He died of AIDS aged 50 at the end of March.
B-movie star Anne Gwynne appeared in many low budget films, such as Black
Friday, the serial Flash Gordon Conquers the Universe, Weird
Woman, House of Frankenstein, Dick Tracy Meets Gruesome
and Teenage Caveman. She died aged 84 in April.
Philip Yordan was an Oscar-winning screenwriter who died aged 88 in April.
Among his works are Dillinger, Johnny Guitar, The Big
Combo, The Harder They Fall, King of Kings and El
Cid. He turned producer in the 1950s, with Day of the Triffids,
Crack in the World and Battle of the Bulge to his credit.
He also served as a front to blacklisted friends around this time.
What's the Matter with Helen?
Marquis de Sade's Justine
The Thief of Bagdad
Last House on the Left
Wes Craven's New Nightmare
Beneath the Planet of the Apes
Evil Dead 2
One Hour Photo
The Boy with Green Hair
Killer Klowns from Outer Space
I Bury The Living
Isle of the Dead
The X Files
The Atomic Cafe
All Quiet on the Western Front
Eugenie... The Story of Her Journey into Perversion
Mad Monster Party?
Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon
Love Letters of a Portugese Nun
Well, that's all we have time for before we have to turn the computer
off and back on again after it's crashed for the millionth time. They
never mentioned that in science fiction cinema, did they? Did they?! You
could have just turned HAL off and turned him back on again and everything
would have been fine, giant monolith notwithstanding.
Anyway, until next time, contact us via the little
box on the Spinning Image site.