HOME |  CULT MOVIES | COMPETITIONS | ADVERTISE |  CONTACT US |  ABOUT US
 
 
Newest Reviews
Rocketman
Kid Who Would Be King, The
Making Waves: The Art of Cinematic Sound
America America
Darkest Minds, The
Along Came Jones
Hummingbird Project, The
Under the Table You Must Go
Harry Birrell Presents Films of Love and War
Hanging Tree, The
Godzilla: King of the Monsters
Scooby-Doo! Camp Scare
Itsy Bitsy
Witchmaker, The
Prey, The
If It's Tuesday, This Must Be Belgium
Happy Death Day 2U
Full Moon High
Strange But True
Kamikaze 1989
Never Grow Old
Time of Your Life, The
Mountain Men, The
Epic
Best Before Death
John Wick Chapter 3: Parabellum
Isabelle
Non-Stop New York
Once Upon a Time in Deadwood
Oblomov
Alita: Battle Angel
We the Animals
Ibiza Undead
Wings of Eagles, The
Beats
Body Parts
Shock of the Future, The
Friday
High Life
High Noon
   
 
Newest Articles
Growing Up in Public: 7-63 Up on Blu-ray
Learn Your Craft: Legend of the Witches and Secret Rites on Blu-ray
70s Psycho-Thrillers! And Soon the Darkness and Fright on Blu-ray
Split: Stephen King and George A. Romero's The Dark Half on Blu-ray
Disney Post-Walt: Three Gamechangers
But Doctor, I Am Pagliacci: Tony Hancock's The Rebel and The Punch and Judy Man on Blu-ray
Once Upon a Time in Deadwood: Interview with Director Rene Perez
Shit-Eating Grim: Salo, or the 120 Days of Sodom on Blu-ray
Stallone's 80s Action Alpha and Omega: Nighthawks and Lock Up
Python Prehistory: At Last the 1948 Show and Do Not Adjust Your Set on DVD
You Could Grow to Love This Place: Local Hero on Blu-ray
Anglo-American: Joseph Losey Blu-ray Double Bill - The Criminal and The Go-Between
Marvel's Least Loved and Most Loved: Fantastic 4 vs Avengers: Endgame
Battle of the Skeksis: The Dark Crystal Now and Then
American Madness: Sam Fuller's Shock Corridor and The Naked Kiss on Blu-ray
   
 
  Conan the Barbarian Musclebound MarauderBuy this film here.
Year: 2011
Director: Marcus Nispel
Stars: Jason Momoa, Rachel Nichols, Stephen Lang, Ron Perlman, Rose McGowan, Bob Sapp, Leo Howard, Steven O'Donnell, Nonso Anozie, Raad Raawi, Laila Rouass, Saïd Taghmaoui, Milton Welsh, Borislav Iliev, Nathan Jones, Diana Lyubenova, Alina Puscau, Morgan Freeman
Genre: Action, Fantasy, Adventure
Rating:  2 (from 2 votes)
Review: In ancient times, around the age of the fall of Atlantis, there was a continent on the planet known as Hyborea, and there was great upheaval in that region, especially when one tribe fashioned a mystical mask to raise the powers of the underworld. After many battles, the tribe was vanquished, the mask captured, and split into various parts so that it could never be reunited and that power once again blight the land, but there was one warrior, Khalar Zym (Stephen Lang), who was determined, obsessed with the influence such an artifact would give him...

That's all very well, but what did it have to do with Conan the Barbarian? He showed up presently, getting born on the battlefield as his mother perished to prove his badass credentials even as a baby, and we followed him growing up with his doting, tough but fair father (Ron Perlman), who did not look anything like his son which made you wonder if there was any funny business going on. After a brief interlude where we saw teen Conan beat some bad guys by smashing them up and beheading them, we were reintroduced to Khalar Zym, who wants those mask pieces, and Pa Conan has one in his possession.

So that is retrieved in predictable fashion as you're looking at your watch and pondering the amount of pussyfooting around before Conan became an adult and got to adventurin', but once he had his reason for wandering, hacking and slaying, this settled down. A little too much, actually, as pretty much every scene was approached in the same way, as macho as possible, as if they were trying to out-testosterone the original version of the Robert E. Howard character which starred Arnold Schwarzenegger in the eighties. Where that was just as serious as this, the Nietzschean philosophy was absent, and we had a more straightforward sword and sorcery affair in keeping with the movies that original inspired.

Fair enough, but in some ways this was less about the Howard universe and more a variation on those Ray Harryhausen special effects showcases, only crucially someone forgot to order the monsters, and instead substituted a few gallons of gore. Which was a pity, as it could have benefitted from more concrete fantasy trappings other than the increasingly hard to fathom machinations and ceremonies of Khalar Zym, who is to all intents and purposes seeking the last of a royal bloodline, and she happens to be Tamara (Rachel Nichols) who once she gets an idea she is a wanted woman, makes good her escape from the convent (sort of) she was residing in.

She meets Conan who is seeking the man she is running from, which puts them at cross purposes, but then a lot of this was a bit of a muddle as far as the plotting went, leaving you looking forward to the next action setpiece rather than the latest stretch of oh-so-grim dialogue. About the most fun in this was Rose McGowan as the bad guy's daughter, some kind of soothsayer who gives the actress the opportunity to vamp it up to an amusing degree, but she did get lost in the sound and fury of the rest of it when all was said and done. By the would-be thrilling climax, your tolerance for its nonsense may have been tested and you could be yearning for the days of James Earl Jones turning into a giant snake - seriously, would it have killed them to include one giant monster? The sand warriors didn't quite cut the mustard. If it wasn't quite as bad as its flop reputation, and not quite as up itself as the previous incarnations, that was not necessarily a recommendation. Music by Tyler Bates.
Reviewer: Graeme Clark

 

This review has been viewed 3512 time(s).

As a member you could Rate this film

 
Review Comments (0)


Untitled 1

Login
  Username:
 
  Password:
 
   
 
Forgotten your details? Enter email address in Username box and click Reminder. Your details will be emailed to you.
   

Latest Poll
Which star do you think makes the best coffee?
Emma Stone
Anna Kendrick
Michelle Rodriguez
Sir Patrick Stewart
   
 
   

Recent Visitors
Graeme Clark
Paul Smith
Andrew Pragasam
Darren Jones
  Rachel Franke
Enoch Sneed
Paul Shrimpton
  Desbris M
   

 

Last Updated: