OK, so here's a new one for you. A plane full of completely different people crash-lands on an island full of mental guerilla soldiers and.... Hold on! Come back! Please! Look, just come back and I'll buy you drinks all night! For fuck's sake sit down and listen!
Right, that's better. Now,Troma's War is extremely generic stuff. It's not just run of the mill, it's running the mill itself, and it's worn a groove in the path so deep that there's no way it could ever stray from it. Which surely earns it it's first bonus point, yeah? Look, if it ain't broke, don't fix it, that's what I always say! Listen, cannibal flicks, zombie flicks and women-in-prison movies have been drowning in their own shit for years, at least until their appeal waned and (sadly) people stopped making them (bastards!). I'm no Barry Norman you know. Just give me what I want and I'm happy.
Even better, this movie is 100% eighties. That's right kids, in Troma's War we have a chubby, middle aged Vietnam veteran who looks, acts and talks like Moe from The Simpsons! We also have slow-motion stunts and slower-motion pyrotechics, not to mention terrorists fought with nothing more than hard work and rabid patriotism, from the days when people were actually proud to be American. All this is set against a background of crappy, monotonous pop muzak and punctuated with sentimental buddy-talk, bringing more than just one tear to one's eye, not dissimilar to those times when people can actually be bothered to pretend to be your friend. The hero of the flick wears a headband and, if you use your imagination a little, seems to be growing a mullet. Plus we get those one-man hovercraft thingies that are used only by terrorists and dictators - luckily today's enemies of freedom all live in the desert where they're impractical, otherwise the coalition forces would be fucked! And, because this is a Troma flick we are also treated to gender-bending cyber-punks lavishly daubed in black make-up who, even in 1988, had been out of fashion for years, although if you frequent most rock-clubs on Nobody-Understands-Me night (usually a Wednesday), you can still see them in the flesh.
And Troma's War is sexy. Real sexy. OK, so Troma's actresses are usually not the most talented in the world but they're still decent talent. You should know by now that it's looks that really count! All the birds in this flick wear impractical gear like hot pants, skin-hugging tops and fishnets, all tighter than the strap around a smackhead's arm. They have those sexy 80's hairstyles too, all big and frizzy. There are muscle-chicks abound for those who love to be dominated and, obviously, all characters have the ability to make out in the middle of a raging warzone, but it makes me wonder why I can't ever get my oats after a mere pub-fight (probably because I've been fighting with my date...)! Best of all, even some of the more... ahem.. "mature" ladies in this movie - one of whom looks like Ruby Wax, another like Sybil Danning's great-grandmother, are enough to trigger a spunk explosion of Niagra Falls proportions unless you have the safety catch on - a scratch 'n' sniff portrait of Jo Brand behind your TV set!
It's totally un-PC too. Sexism, racism, homophobia and laffs about disabilities all crop up in various proportions, so be sure not to watch it when the one-(hairy)-legged feminist from next door nips round for a cup of herbal tea. And last, but not least, there's a couple of total freaks in here, too. The main bad-guy looking and snorting like a pig is crazy enough, but there's also an elderly siamese twin on offer too! Joined at the head, one half speaks with a deep, robotic voice and the other with a helium-fuelled squeal! It really upsets me to see him killed off about a third of the way through the film... what a waste!
The only thing really missing from Troma's War is gore. I mean come on now, people are being blown away left, right and centre and I didn't see a single geyser of blood arching into the sky like a haemoglobin rainbow! And when a guy has a grenade jammed in his mouth all we get is pyrotechnics, not the Dawn Of The Dead exploding head we were all kneeling on the floor begging for! Then again, it gives you another good reason to show this to your kids.
This is meant to be a spoof, but to me it's the trip back in time that I seem to have been waiting for forever. Thus, I would wholeheartedly recommend this to anyone who secretly, or openly, wishes they were twelve again. Action, adventure and tackiness rolled into one. It's a sure-fire winner! Plus I've got a feeling this will slowly slither down the satellite movie channel hierachy Friday The 13th style, until it comes to rest comfortably at the bottom of the barrel (TCM), thus saving you the embarressment of having to buy it! A classic! (Sort of..)