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  Fairy Tales Someday This Prince Will ComeBuy this film here.
Year: 1978
Director: Harry Hurwitz
Stars: Don Sparks, Sy Richardson, Irwin Corey, Robert Harris, Simmy Bow, Robert Staats, Martha Reeves, Brenda Fogarty, Frank Ray Perilli, Angelo Rossitto, Bob Leslie, Bob Doucette, Lindsay Freeman, Nai Bonet, Angela Aames, Anne Gaybis, Linnea Quigley
Genre: Comedy, Sex, Trash, Fantasy
Rating:  4 (from 1 vote)
Review: The Prince (Don Sparks) is awoken by his three advisors who are keen to celebrate his birthday. After rousing him and singing "Happy Birthday to You" they tell him that now he is twenty-one he really should be thinking about losing his virginity, but he has a problem in that department. The advisors see what he means when they introduce a naked woman to his bedchamber and the Prince, try as he might, simply cannot get interested in her, so he is offered an ultimatum: lose his virginity or lose his crown. Alas, the only time he is aroused is when he sees the portrait of a missing princess - he must find her...

During the seventies there was a porn explosion, if you'll pardon the phrase, and a curious subgenre of that was both hardcore and softcore versions of fairy tales. This, imaginatively named, er, Fairy Tales, was one of the softcore ones, a production from the mind of Charles Band who was making inroads into the exploitation movie business during this decade, but where you might have thought that they could delve into the psychological complexities or sexual subtexts of these stories, this was all too indicative of the lack of inspiration that most of them displayed, indeed, if it was not for the names you could well be largely unaware of the characters' origins.

If you could not work it out, then the Prince was meant to be the one from Sleeping Beauty, and he does find her at the end, where she turns out to be future scream queen of the eighties Linnea Quigley. Before her fans get to see her, however, there are a lot of mildly amusing gags and running time-stretching songs for this is actually a musical, with the characters breaking out into song without the slightest warning. One of those is a witch played by Motown legend Martha Reeves of all people, who is present only to sing and not to take part in the taking off of clothes business that makes up most of the rest of this.

Reeves gets to sing a disco number at a time when no film worth its salt was without such a tune, but in the main the songs were of the showtunes variety with lyrics that rhymed "virgin" with "surgeon", to illustrate the way that they, as the rest of the script did, went straight for the obvious gag. Most of the budget appears to have gone on creating the shoe that the old woman who lived in... well, you know, but the old woman isn't that old, and played by Brenda Fogarty as a brothel madam who only has about two prostitutes, one Snow White (Anne Gaybis), complete with surely superfluous dwarfs, and another a dominatrix who has the vocal backing of a sort of naked Andrews Sisters group.

I don't recall any dominatrices in the fairy tales I read in my youth, but even for a film that has trouble expanding to seventy-five minutes there seems to have been a dearth of material. On the Prince's journey, he meets Jack and Jill (Jack is gay and Jill, well, isn't) who fall down the hill to land at his feet, and Little Bo Peep (played by the tragically shortlived Angela Aames) who puts in the film's brightest performance amid a bunch of by the numbers readings of the "Look! We're having fun so you should be too!" variety. In truth, there's nothing too taxing here, nor does there need to be, but the lack of wit and invention leaves what is really only likely to appeal to followers of the lunacies of seventies cinema. If only there had been one of these with a run of decent jokes in them. Music by Andrew Belling.
Reviewer: Graeme Clark

 

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