What is wrong with the modern world? Unfortunately the answer is the Internet, and the deviants like me and my friends that use it. Gone are the days when you had to get your kicks watching your mum in the bath! These days, so cluttered is my email inbox with ‘novelty’ mpegs that leave NOTHING to the imagination (please dad stop sending them!), and so desensitised have I become that I don’t even register a twinge in my cock unless I’m watching grainy Quicktime footage of wolves fucking the mutilated bodies of Columbian prostitutes. Most recently I found myself mindlessly gazing at the HIV infection scenes from the Darren James porn outbreak in L.A (not to be confused with the Darren Jones who runs this site!). Alas, gone are the days when I used to surreptitiously hide my maggot while watching the ‘one for the dads’ James Bond sex scene on Boxing Day. Porn is like Heroin, and as Axl Rose once said, ‘I used to do a little but a little would do, so a little got more and mooooorrrraaaaa…..’ But there was a time, it may have been back in the nineties, back when the Internet had a noble purpose, it was back then that I liked mainstream porn. It was during this time that I came across Tom Byron’s ‘Cumback Pussy 5’. I remember it well, the day I stumbled across the porn home delivery service in the back of the local newspaper. Ironically the porn service was far more reliable than any pizza I’d ever ordered. 20 minutes after putting the phone down, a chirpy immigrant with a toothless smile would be at my door with a brown manila envelope, or if I hadn’t specified over the phone, he’d bring his ‘freezer bag’ and we’d sit down in my living room; me picking out the ones I wanted with him occasionally chipping in with his own ‘personal’ recommendations using broken English and hand gestures. Everything was clearly labelled and you could exchange or sell some of your old videos when they started to pile up against your bedroom door and your parents were coming to visit…..or you got yourself a girlfriend. You could even ‘try before you buy’ and to be honest, if I’d wapped my dick out, and started beating off to test the potency, I think the guy would have politely counted the kitchen tiles til I was done. Now that's customer service! So anyway, off he goes to his next drop-off and I’m left with my usual mix of mature, oral, anal etc, with one of the videos being 'Cumback Pussy 5'.
I remember once reading an interview with a famous porn director who was asked, ‘What is the future of porn?’
And his answer?
‘Lots of great girls, lots of great locations and lots of anal sex…its what the people want!’
GOD BLESS AMERICA! He was right. And if things generally continue as they are I’m sure evolutionary laws dictate that soon women will be giving birth anally, it’ll just be the norm!
Tom Byron has an instinctive feel for ‘what the people want’ and he generally delivers it here; 4 vignettes of pure Gonzo mostly featuring Byron and his largely B-list ‘beeeaaatches’ engaging in various anal activities, fingering, rimming, fucking etc. But what I want to draw your attention to here is the actress Alexis Fontaine a.k.a ‘Raylene’, now admittedly this young lady is pure trailer trash complete with dirty regrettable tattoos, the sort of pretty girl you find languishing in every small town strip joint, the type who would who would be greasing some pole with her minge juice if she hadn’t hit the ‘big-time’ (think how Spears and Aguilera would be scraping a living if they hadn’t become pop stars). Incidentally, I remember going to check out one of these lapdancing clubs once and all I got was a girl who walked around the whole night with her tampon string hanging out while her kid probably sat at home playing with his stickle bricks. But anyway, it brings a small tear to my eye watching ‘Raylene’ in this film, though she’s probably laughing her arse off counting her money in a beach Condo somewhere, I think there’s something tragic seeing a girl this naturally pretty, caked in make-up being used as a jizz sponge by a bunch or dirty looking sleaze bags. I mean don’t get me wrong, there’s nothing wrong with a bit of degradation, but save it for the pasty smacked-up eastern European girls, not ‘Raylene’!
She’s definitely up there with Janine Lindemulder as, in my opinion, the prettiest porn star out there. Her compadres during this little jaunt are Alexandra Silk and Leanna Heart, who it must be said, has the single worse tit job I have ever seen committed to film. It is pure plastic deformity with her implants literally sticking out at right angles like a seagull who’s swallowed a frisby.
The penultimate scene features Byron getting to know the distinctly ropey Maya Souls, Monique and ‘Lil Bit’ (a titless paedo pleaser). This is a good scene if you like a bit of interracial as Byron spends most of his time in Monique’s ass. I don’t know what it is about black girls asses but they are just so abnormally ‘high’, now I’m not talking about your ‘big mamas’ but if you look at your average sized slender black girl you will find that their asses are at least 10-12 cm higher than your average white girl, pure muscle! Now call me ‘Mr Non-P.C’, but I can't think of any natural reason for this design other than chasing down antelope! Monique gets her own back in a bizarre scene that seems to have been shoe-horned into this film purely for Byron’s own gratification, god bless him. It features Byron trussed up in a ‘harness’ while the girls take it in turn to lick and finger his ass. Then Monique, the resident specialist, stumbles into the frame wearing a large strap-on dildo and proceeds to fuck Byron in the ass, declaring ‘Ha ha ha you’re my bitch today!’ Byron seems to be loving it and has a whale of a time, although I don’t quite know how he faced the regulars down at the pool hall afterwards.
The glory days of VHS porn are coming to an end now. The last time I was skulking round a Soho basement it was all DVDs, with their ‘big budgets’ and ‘health conscious production values’. Give me the HIV positive semen of an Albanian exploding onto a girl's face anyday! For me VHS was all about the excitement of sticking that tape in for the first time and being thrust straight into the action as the images popped up, nowadays you’ve got a tediously sterile maze of menus and scene selections, gone is the grainy amateurism that made porn so accessible, that made you part of the action, its all been replaced by clinical clarity. These days you might find the odd diamond on the continent much as I did during a holiday to Spain back in 2001 when I discovered the highly dubious ‘Bitch Treatment’ (from the makers of ‘Choc’) with its Polaroid cover, featuring a rabid dog draped over a drugged-up woman. The thing screamed ‘snuff movie’ at me. The film's canine star was certainly no Crufts entrant, no this was a filthy mongrel (not mongol – that’s a whole other film). Ironically it was shoved in next to ‘The Little Mermaid’ in the Disney section of the local newsagents (?!!!!), but 3000 pesetas later and I was watching this badly bruised woman in a windowless Amsterdam basement sucking what can only be described as a deli counter salami meets root ginger. This woman’s acts of bestiality were interspersed with her submitting to S&M beatings and feakily long golden showers at the hands of two fat, bemoustasched men struggling to get erections throughout (and dude get to a doctor cos piss isn't meant to be that orange!) The money shot featured this woman collecting the dog’s semen in the palm of her hand and then slowly sipping it with the dog howling hysterically in the background as the jizz fell from its manky cock like lumps of cottage cheese. Now if you want an example of the 'thousand cock stare' this girl was it. Finally the bad quality of the tape took its toll and cut out, leaving the female protagonist, on her knees crying, to god only knows what fate. So disgusted and appalled was I that I couldn’t bring myself to watch it again for a whole two minutes!
Now let me lead us all in saying the Lord’s prayer…..