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Manor On Movies: Even More things Hollywood has taught us

  First came "The Golden Rules Of Scarepix"; then there was the spin‑off concerning films outside the fright‑flick genre, "Hollywood Has Taught Us..." (both visible in our archives), the latter copping the Academy's highly fictional Ciacciarelli Foundation Award For Literary Excellence.

In the time‑honored tradition of lazily cashing in on the original's success, I now present even more indisputable truisms from Tinseltown.

  • Though it may not be scrupulous, it is perfectly safe to trade rifles and firewater to Injuns. None will ever think of loading his new weapon and pointing it at the greedy paleface.

  • A hoodlum won't attempt to stab you until after doing some sort of intimidating gesture with the knife.

  • Young urban singles frequently live in highly affordable big‑city lofts approximately the size of a Trailways terminal.

  • No matter how old the unsolved murder case, there's always just enough in the easily located old evidence box to solve the mystery with modern forensic methods.

  • All confined mental patients are ungroomed and unattractive, except one young lady in for her nymphomania and the patient who thinks he's actually part of the hospital staff.

  • The average delivered pizza costs roughly $24.

  • Not one U.S. Marine ever left the Corp and became lazy, sloppy, left‑leaning, out of condition or incapable of single‑handedly winning a barroom brawl. Not one!

  • Every single prisoner participates in homosexual acts, voluntarily or otherwise...unless they were arrested before color film became standard.

  • Care to doff the imported suit for a mid‑workday highly competitive round of squash or sexual encounter with a coworker? Go right ahead, the boss won't mind.

  • If two bickering detectives (who actually really like each other) arrive on a scene, the nerdier/A‑type one will struggle to gain entry‑‑until the other breezes right in through an unlocked door or window, smug wisecrack optional.

  • To gain employment as a prison guard, one must be corrupt, cruel or both.

  • Professional writers prefer manual typewriters, the better to dramatically tear out an unsatisfactory page to be balled up and tossed in the vague general direction of a trash can loaded with more of the same.

  • Satisfied writers, conversely, tap out several paragraphs in a matter of seconds, using the two‑finger method and ignoring the space bar.

  • Walls LITERALLY close in on panic‑stricken claustrophobics.

  • While reviewing videotapes with peers, it is the duty of one detective to shout, "There! Back it up a little bit" and point out a minute, fleeting detail of immense importance.

  • You may be near bankruptcy, but don't give up‑‑that oil well will strike pay dirt. (Jubilant person drenched in crude oil mandatory.)

  • High‑salaried businessmen return alone from the office to their swank self‑cleaning but impersonal apartments between ten pm and midnight daily, unwinding with two fingers of imported scotch on the rocks.

  • Drop by an auto lot, drive away in your new wheels within 34 seconds.

  • Getting pistol‑whipped may knock you out in one blow, but it won't break your jaw, loosen teeth or even leave a bruise.

  • Every male on Earth is an excellent pool shooter...just not as good as the sexy woman he mocked before the game.

  • Assuming victory and gleefully beginning to scoop in poker chips guarantees another player has a better hand.

  • The "the black guy has to put their mission on hold for a moment to instruct the white square how to be cool" rule is waived if the latter grew up in one of the outer boroughs of NYC.

  • Backwoods towns consist of a shady sheriff with whom the locals cheerfully co‑conspire, and a slow‑witted dental nightmare who works "down yonder at the fillin' station," the only feller NOT flirted‑with by the bored, half‑looped wife of the most powerful man in town.

  • The Soviet gunman's pastime is cigarette‑smoking.

  • Never jettison anything while being tracked by another man. Even if you spill a saltshaker in the Sahara, the pursuer will find it, most frequently with the naked eye.

  • The more proficient you become at a highly specialized form of surgery, the more acceptable it is to be arrogant and rude to coworkers.

  • No speeding police car has ever hit a pedestrian.

  • Every Frenchman who has learned to speak broken English can offer surefire advice about l'amore.

  • It takes as many as four attempts to guess the password needed to hack into even the most sophisticated computer network.

  • It's easier to ward off a gang of ninjas than to defeat just one.

  • Raised by a violent drunk? Be sure to bring it up whenever someone mentions his or her childhood, using the "old man" euphemism for your father.

  • Volleyball‑size bags of gold weigh approximately four pounds; gold bricks, slightly less.

  • It's IMPOSSIBLE for a man who uses tools for a living to appreciate and be exceptionally versed in anything falling under the "fine arts and the classics" umbrella. Just impossible.

  • No millionaire's offspring defended by a high‑priced legal team is legitimately innocent of whatever he's on trial for.

  • Cab fare comes to whatever cash you have in your hand at the exact moment the ride ends.

  • Guilty suspects being interviewed by law enforcers take their lawyer's "My client has nothing further to say" to mean "Blurt out something they can hang you with."

  • There are these nightclubs with special acoustics wherein one can speak at normal volume and still be heard over a live band.

  • Modest universities sell pennants that merely read "State," and every male teen born before 1965 has one pinned up in his bedroom.

  • Drats, the kidnapper/mad bomber hung up the phone a split‑second before the eavesdropping police could finish tracing the call.

  • Double drats, the vain villain bragged long enough to get a trace on his call, but he's technically savvy enough to make his signal bounce from Laos, France and Peru.

  • If you're pure of heart, you'll never explode upon clipping a time bomb's colored wire at the last second.

  • American‑born Caucasian males are banned from driving cabs in major U.S. cities. By incredible coincidence, each taxi randomly selected by a Yank overseas is the one driven by the local man who happens to speaks English.

  • Whoopee is almost always made with the woman on top throughout and the room well‑lit.

  • Conventional wisdom dictates keeping a full water tumbler on the nightstand. It will come in handy for a calming sip after being jolted into a sit‑up by a nightmare.

  • If you knock someone out, his uniform will fit you perfectly.

  • Should a disaster be resolved within 75 minutes...it's not.

  • Trapped behind enemy lines? Relax‑‑though it defies a direct order from the top and means a sure demotion, a high‑ranking military pilot will unflinchingly sacrifice his entire career to rescue one of his "boys." He will also disobey commands and NOT fire upon a target if you just make a radio appeal to his humanitarian nature.

  • Certain computer keyboards are made by castanet manufacturers and hence they are far noisier than the ones you've used.

  • Nonchalantly dump those empty automatic weapon magazines. The guy at the bullet shop keeps a big barrelful of free replacements.
Author: Stately Wayne Manor


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Last Updated: 18 March, 2006