||Like everyone else terrified by the LSD craze currently bringing society to the very brink of destruction, I was under the impression "acid" addicts were typically long-haired bongo players who painted their ceilings fluorescent green as they dreamt of going to San Francisco to shout "Right on, man" during a love-in.
That is, until I viewed the startling new documentary, The Weird World of LSD (1967).
Wow, were my preconceptions way off base. For instance, did you know the typical LSD pusher drives a brand-new four-door Cadillac, wears a blazer and sells to secretaries in dresses who play with kittens while spacing out on the stuff? Or that these hell bound distributors lay foil packets out on tavern tables and take cash, all in plain sight?
Undoubtedly, many have read all about LSD while paging through the Christian Science Monitor after church, and perhaps even attended one of the local police department's with-it rap sessions on the subject. Yet, despite dire warnings about how the drug will forever destroy your moral fabric, curiosity and/or peer pressure may lead you to ponder, "I wonder what it would be like if I ingested this substance."
Weird World objectively answers, providing the following unbiased illustrations of what happens when normal law-abiding citizens like yourself "turn on" with a shot of LSD.
- Young Oscar Levant look-alikes see really cheap animation and a spinning globe until dying for no apparent reason, blood dripping out of their nasal and oral cavities.
- Square traveling salesmen on the road run amok down strange city streets, lost in psychosis.
- Very busty socialites wander into conveniently nearby unlocked mannequin storage facilities and "freak out" among the dummies.
- Fiftyish, 350-pound art dealers in suits "eat" huge banquet spreads, gorging themselves with the sloppy abandon of famished Vikings, only to discover the food is merely a hallucination.
- Narcissistic women in public pull out scissors and cut their blouses and skirts while their fiancées just sit there; the trippy chippies then get on tables to grind suggestively, snipping their bras and panties until said beaus take the brazen broads to seedy motel rooms, rough them up and walk out in disgust. The defiled dames then take handfuls of pills, inspiring "LSD User Commits Suicide" headlines.
- Even more self-involved males envision flocks of femmes, some with monstrous faces, cruelly laughing at them. The goaded guys swing away with meat cleavers, murdering real gals.
- Outdoors-lovers wishing to become one with nature romp with Jerry Lewisesque gaits through swamps, and get their clothes extremely dirty while rubbing mulchy topsoil all over themselves, including on the face and in the mouth.
- Lonely lads lying in empty bathtubs strangle themselves with one hand.
Folks, we all know movies never lie to us, thus we must conclude THIS IS WHAT OCCURS EVERY SINGLE TIME AN AVERAGE JOE OR JOAN FALLS PREY TO THE SIREN SONG OF THE INSIDIOUS DRUG CULTURE. But, wait, I've saved the most horrifying for last: Clean-cut working girls dining at McDonald's are driven to--gasp--driven to--dare I say it?--driven to--okay, I'll blurt it out--driven to litter!!!
Shocking but true. Each day, once-innocent young ladies now hooked on LSD are dooming their souls to the flames of Purgatory as they ravage the planet's delicate eco-balance by nonchalantly ignoring the most important Commandment of them all, "Thou shalt not toss thine trash upon the soil in a burger stand's outdoor dining area." (Hemi 4:26) Worse yet, the next little angel transformed into a shameless hussy could be YOUR KID SISTER!!!
A teary-eyed Mayor McCheese hangs his head in sorrow.
(Author's note: Friends, if you suspect age-18+ Lil Sis may already be tempted to take that turn towards Litterbug Lane, it is imperative you intervene at once, encouraging her to embrace a hobby better suited for adventurous tenderonis. I am referring, of course, to the exciting clothing-optional world of Still Photograph Modeling; more specifically, poses described as "the kind men like."
Therapists agree: Lingerie-or-less modeling is a fantastic way for a nubile filly to boost lowered self-esteem--the number one cause of Litteritis, and chief deficiency exploited by LSD cult recruiters--and it can be profitable. Best of all, you won't need to hire an expensive agent! Simply e-mail all photos to Completely On The Level "Model" Search Services c/o stately, and rest assured your sizzling sibling will be thoroughly examined from head to toe by a man well-known for providing cash to nymphettes gone astray.)